Sunday, April 13, 2008


I have the feeling that some people read this blog mostly for the adoption stuff. In that respect, I feel like an author who insists on focusing on a dull subplot, while her readers hanker for the juicy parts.

When our adoption in October didn't work out, it had a huge impact on me (and on both of us). I think many people waiting to adopt keep their desire for a child right in front of them, and wait very actively. The only way I have been able to protect myself from the sadness is to get on with life, and put adoption on the back burner. T was telling me the other day how he always looks at babies when he's out in public. I have gone in the opposite direction. I avoid babies. It's hard to feel my desire to become a parent right now.

I think that's one reason people give up on adoption or fertility treatments and decide not to become parents. They assume because they don't feel the desire for a son or daughter, that it's no longer there. I know that my desire is still there, because every time I'm asked to make a wish, a successful adoption is the first one I think of. Every time I'm part of a serious conversation about dreams and hopes, the kind of conversation that puts you in touch with your better self, I feel the desire come out of hiding.

On a day to day basis I check Statcounter to see who's been looking at our adoption website, read our adoption agency's message board to see how the other wanna-be adopters are doing, but I don't think about it that much. Even though the chances are, logically, that it will happen within a year. I'll be utterly surprised when it does.

And just to advance the plot, we had an adoption contact, one that could have turned into a match, a few weeks ago. But it just didn't feel like the right fit, mostly because the woman who contacted us was only one month pregnant. I didn't feel I could handle that long of a wait, and I was also aware of the statistics that say that a long match is more likely to fall through. It was nice to have a possibility to think over, but sad to let someone down, which is something we've had to do twice now.

See why I haven't written any adoption posts lately? I feel like I should be upholding the spirits of people who are waiting to adopt, or educating people who read this blog about the wonders of open adoption. But right now I'm in no position to be a spokesperson. I'm just someone who's slogging along.


Kim said...

And we're slogging along with you with fingers crossed.

Emmanuelle Serroy Leaf said...

Dear Linda
we don't know each other but we have so many thing in common. We are waiting parents too, for 17 months now,with hope, but no contact since...
Last week we almost did...but it turned that the birthmother choose someone else.
We knew since the beginning that this process will ask us a lot of up and downs...but we feel sometimes so lonely face to face to all the feelings that we have to deal with ; patience, hope,anger sometimes, jalousy...
I understand so well the feeling you are going through...trying to not focus your day on babies, on adoption just to protect yourself... I think we ( adoptive parents) really need it; having a "normal" life and keep hoping. The way you share with us , in your blog, your life is telling a lot more about your protection, about your feelings that you thought. PAin and sadness are just behind your message, even if they are not " sad" message.
I am sure all your family, all your friends , everyone are with you and that's why they are reading your blog...just to tell you ; we are ready as you are.
I just want to beleive that one day , you , and us will find a little one who will need us and all this awful period will be over!

All my support and all my best to both of you...