The End

Some of the readers of this blog may have already heard, but our adoption has fallen through. We went to Sacramento and were present for the birth of the baby, a beautiful girl. Things seemed to be going very well, and E seemed very set on the plan. But E's family members had a change of heart and decided that the family should parent the baby. Things changed very quickly. E was conflicted but went with the wishes of her family.

We spent a day and a half with the baby and the whole thing is very sad for us. It's one of those really bad adoption outcomes that happen to some people, but we hoped we wouldn't be one of them. Like I mentioned in another post, this happens about 10% of the time to people who are clients of our adoption agency. So we hope we'll be in the lucky 90% the next time we get to this point.

The silver lining to this cloud is that we have so many supportive people in our lives. I know that will help us get through to the adoption that does work.

We will wait until we are feeling a bit better, and then go back into the pool of waiting families. We have both agreed that we learned a lot from the experience, from preparing for parenthood to taking care of the baby. We will be much more ready when it really does happen. But does that mean it doesn't suck? I think you know the answer to that.

Today, we're going to drown our sorrows in a movie or a walk in the park, and I guess tomorrow we'll get back into life.

Before the Storm

So E's due date was Friday, and it's Monday now. That means we are waiting, and we could get a phone call any minute. We have rented a car (we don't own one). We have a suitcase packed, with a change of clothes and some diapers, formula, bottles, blankets and clothes in it. We have gathered all of the paperwork we need. We have a carseat. A coworker is holding a bassinet for us, which she will bring over when we get home. And the brownies are in the freezer.

As of Saturday, the last time we talked, E didn't feel at all close to going into labor. She'd rather let the baby come on her own time than inducing labor, which I respect. We've been talking to E frequently this week, and she's full of frustration, and also funny, irreverent comments. We are lucky--E. is someone we click with. In fact, we find her delightful.

We have a lot of moments of truth in front of us. There is the moment of truth of being the witness and companion to someone who is giving birth, if we get there in time. Then there is the moment of truth for E, after she gives birth; it's a time that the adoption decision is made all over again, or in 10-15% of cases, unmade.

Have we had any indication that she might change her mind? None whatsoever. Quite the opposite, in fact. When she talks to us, she frames the situation thusly: She's chosen us, the parents. She is carrying the baby for us. And she is very eager to hear that we are excited.

Adoptive parents have to walk a fine line. We need to show the woman we match with that we are really excited, and reassure her that we care enormously about her baby. But we (at least I) still have to protect a corner of our hearts, and be cautious. I think it's way easier to throw yourself headlong into something exciting than to maintain this strange emotional vertigo.

We'll be talking to E today, and finding out more. She visits the doctor today, so we'll see what is said about induction.

Photo: daedalicious

Footloose and Fancy Free

This week the Mr. and I did something we don't usually do. We went out three times. We wanted to experience life without a child just a little more. If our adoption really happens, it could be the end of our carefree existence of doing what we want, when we want to, etc. At least for a while. A long while.

On Tuesday we went to Farmerbrown. Farmerbrown is a southern/soulfood restaurant located in the Hotel Metropolis at Mason and Market. The restaurant was decorated, and arguably slightly overdecorated, in a charming folk-art meets industrial style. The food is sustainable, focused on benefiting local and african-american farmers. The service was friendly and down to earth. The highlights were the cheesy grits, and the pecan pie, both of which were possibly the best versions I had had.

Last night, we grabbed sushi at Sushi Time, tucked away under Books Inc. in the Castro. Wow! I ate there when it was Castro Sushi Underground, and I think it's even better now. The Barbie Roll, which had an extremely thin slice of lemon on top, was to die for, as was the seared white tuna nigiri with ponzu sauce. Really, really good, fresh sushi at reasonable prices. While we were there, we realized that this is not a place you can bring a baby at all. It's just too darn small.

After sushi, we repaired to the Swedish American Hall, where, it just so happens, we got married, to see The Mekons. Here is a brief description of The Mekons, from the Wikipedia:

The Mekons are a British rock band. They are one of the longest-running and most prolific of the first-wave British punk rock bands (rivaled in both categories only by The Fall).

But that's so dry! I love them because they are full of joy, imperfect, clearly love each other, have excellent politics, and, in their 40s and 50s, are full of playfulness and improvisation. The show last night was a joy to behold.

Tonight, we met friends at Emmy's Spaghetti Shack. Always liked the place, haven't been there in a few years. Great meal (I had a pasta dish and we shared some fantastic pesto/feta green beans and a mushroom risotto). Kinda loud. Kinda fun! We saw a kid get the tallest wedge of chocolate birthday cake ever. It was a veritable tower.

Speaking of baked goods, E. asked me to make some brownies and bring them to her in the hospital. She's due October 12, which means any day now. So that's on my to do list for tomorrow. I know I could use a mix, but this occasion, I think, calls for doing it by hand.